In March of 2004, I turned 39. A few weeks after my birthday, I found out I was pregnant. This was not something I wanted, and certainly was not prepared for. I am a type 1 diabetic and had decided as a teenager that I did not want to have children because of my fear of passing along this disease. Also, I did not feel that I had had good parenting skills taught to me by my own parents, and did not feel raising a child was in my best interest or the child. I contemplated abortion for a few days. I cried and prayed and cried some more. I was brought up in a Christian home, albeit a very dysfunctional one. Still I knew what I believed and I did not feel God would make exceptions for me in the area of abortion. I got on my computer and looked up abortion. I really didn't know much about it, how it was done, etc. As I read the information, all I could do was cry. My heart was telling me "no way", and my head was not far behind. Although I was very frightened of the thought of being pregnant and carrying a baby to term, I knew that abortion was not for me. I no longer had a relationship with the biological father (that in itself was a miracle, and if you want to email me, I can tell you that story), so he was not in the decision making process. I had some girlfriends were were there with me right from the beginning - pretty much from the moment I found out for sure I was pregnant and how far along I was. My family was not so supportive, so I thanked God daily for my friends who were there for me, caring for me, talking with me, gently and tenderly holding my hand and helping me through the process.
As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I fell on my face before God (email me for more details if you want to know why). I felt a sense of peace come over me. I had prayed for the strength to have this child, the strength to endure whatever scorn and ridicule I might face, and I had prayed - most of all - for God to give me a love for this child. I didn't know if I could love this baby growing inside me. I was afraid I couldn't. I needed God to help me to take care of myself, to go to the doctor to keep control of the diabetes and to cause as little harm to this baby as possible because of this disease. I was referred to wonderful specialists who really helped me to take as good of care of myself and my baby as possible. They were God-sent, I believe!
I began my search for an adoption agency very soon after finding out I was pregnant. I knew this was the only answer for me. It didn't take me long to find an agency - online no less - and begin the process. They were wonderful, gentle, loving women at this agency who told me over and over again what a wonderful thing I was doing, how blessed I would be for bringing life to this child, etc, etc. I didn't feel very blessed at the time, but I now know that those women knew what they were talking about! I was led through the process of paperwork and such. I was told about the profiles that were posted online and how to access them. What an overwhelming process at first! Finally, I knew I needed some major help with this process, so I prayed and asked God to help me figure out a way of sorting through all these couples. I wanted to place my baby with every one of them! God gave me the idea of writing down what I wanted for my child: I chose a few things and went back to my search. I wanted a couple who lived in a mild climate, who were dog lovers like me, who were devoted born-again Christians. Those were really the major criteria. I very quickly - within a few weeks - found this couple. I had seen their profile online at the agency website, and then when one of the women from the agency mailed me some profiles to look through, there was this couple's profile again! After praying about it, I knew this was the couple I was meant to place my baby with.
I was doing my best to keep up with my work and my social life and my health issues. I really thank God for how He helped me through this time. I actually got married when i was about 5 months along (that is a very long story, and I will not go into the details here, but i will tell you I did not marry the biological father of the baby). My new husband was also a God-send. He took such good care of me and respected my decision to place my baby for adoption. He was there in the delivery room with me, too! He was fascinated with the whole process.
As the months went on, I did begin to have some medical complications. I was swollen literally from my toes up to my belly. I lived in a very warm climate and it was the summer time, so I spent a lot of time in the pool at the apartment complex I lived at, and I spent the rest of the time in my air conditioned apartment with my feet propped up! I had also noticed my vision had changed, so I went to my eye specialist to have this checked out. He said it was not uncommon for pregnant women to have vision changes and often the changes went back to normal once the baby was born. This would not be the case with me, however.
I had gotten to talk to the prospective adoptive parents on the telephone and we hit it off wonderfully! We had much in common, and I could tell they would be terrific parents. They had been praying for many years for a child, and God had placed it in their hearts to adopt a child. As we got to know each other over the next couuple of months and compared stories of the time leading up to our meeting, it was amazing to all of us how God had orchestrated our coming together! We were meant to be! They were not at all judgmental of me or my situation, and just wanted me to know how much they would love this baby, no matter what.
When it came to the time when most pregnant women will have their baby's tested for Down's syndrome, I asked the nurse what could be done if the tests came back positive. She told me - very coldly and with no emotion - "well, you just terminate the pregnancy, that's all." I told her I would have to think about the test and get back to her. I went home that day from the doctor's office crying and praying. I really didn't know what to do. God led me to call the adoptive parents and ask them if they wanted to know if the baby would have Down's syndrome or not. They said that the decision was mine, but they did not care what the test results would be - they already loved this baby and wanted to be his/her adoptive parents no matter what. Well, that's all I needed to hear! The next time I went for my doctor's visit, I informed the very cold nurse, as lovingly as I could, that I and the adoptive parents did not want this test done. The tears welled up in her eyes as she shook her head in acknowledgement; she knew what I was telling her without actually telling her!
One of the problems that can occur with a diabetic mother is that the baby will grow too large in the womb. That began to happen to my baby, and at 7 months along, the doctor said they needed me to go into the hospital for complete bed rest and total monitoring of my rest, medications, and food intake. After two days in the hospital, the doctor decided it was time to take the baby and I had an emergency C-section. This was very disappointing as it did not allow time for the adoptive couple to come for the delivery, which is what we had planned. All went well, and I gave birth to a healthy strapping little boy who weighed in at 6 pounds, 7 3/4 ounces, and was 23 inches long. I can't even imagine how big he would have been if I had carried him to full term, but I myself was a full-term baby who weighed 10 pounds, 3 ounces at birth. My poor mother!
Because of medication I was given for the two days before the delivery, I could not see a thing in that delivery room. The lights were way too bright and my vision was way too blurry, so when my son was born, I could not see him. I heard him crying - that tiny little newborn cry - but my husband looked at him and said "he's all there", and that was sufficient for me! I was so relieved and so happy that God had gotten me and my baby through this process, and we were alive and well. (I think I forgot to mention I had this great fear that I would die from being pregnant and having diabetes.)
As I lay there in the recovery area, I was praying and thanking God for a safe delivery. I began to chuckle to myself and cry. Soon, my laughter was almost uncontrollable as I was overwhelmed with the sense of God's presence there in that recovery area with me. I knew I had just done the greatest thing I would ever do in my lifetime - I gave life to a child!
The adoptive parents arrived the next morning to greet their new son. Oh, they were ecstatic - and that's putting it mildly. They were so sweet and loving and kind to me, visiting me and bringing me small gifts like fresh fruit! How desired that was after having nothing but Jello and sugar free ginger ale for two days! They had fallen in love immediately upon seeing their son for the first time. I went up to see the baby with them for the first time. How precious that very first visit was. I cried and they cried - but these were all tears of joy! I was in the hospital for five days because of having diabetes and needing to be closely monitored. My son was in the hospital for almost a whole month due to being premature. He had not had enough time in the womb to develop the sucking mechanism it took to feed him through a bottle, and that was taking some real effort by the adoptive parents and the nursing staff to get him to feed. I did not breast feed my son; that was not something I had a desire to do. In fact, I was afraid to hold him! I had never been around babies much and just didn't know what to do with him. But this was just another reason why I had not felt that I could not raise this child - I just didn't feel that I had what it takes to be a parent.
The adoptive parents stayed there for the whole month until "our son" was released. They lived in another state and had to endure great sacrifice during this time, but they were filled with joy and excitement, and probably could not have been torn away from the baby. When I finally went home from the hospital, the adoptive couple were the ones who took me home and pampered me for a few hours. They were terrific, absolutely God-sent. I knew I was going to miss them an awful lot when they left to go home, too, along with missing my baby.
I had been praying during my pregnancy that God would give me a love for this child inside of me, but also that He would help me to let go when the time came. And He did give me that strength. Because the adoptive parents were there taking care of the new baby, i felt i was free from emotional stress during that time and could just go home and take care of myself and get my strength back and recuperate as much as I needed to. My husband and my friends were just terrific during this recovery time, too. They nurtured me and really took good care of me. When I felt the need to cry, I cried. When I felt the desire to laugh, I laughed. I could also just sit and be quiet, or just lay in my husband's arms and rest peacefully. God had truly taken care of all my fears about this pregnancy and the upcoming departure of my baby and his new family.
On the day of their departure, I went to their hotel to see them off. I got to feed my son for the first time. It was such a beautiful time for he and I. He just lay there very quietly looking up at me. He was so still, so hungrily feeding from that bottle, yet gazing up at me as if to say "Hey, I know you, you're that lady who talked to me all these months, and fed me well, and kept me warm and comfortable, and prayed for me and let me kick and squirm around inside you." His little dark eyes just seemd to be saying, "Thanks, mom". I will always cherish those moments I had with him.
Now, my son is 3 1/2 years old. I have an open adoption, so I get to go and visit him twice a year. I did not see him for the first year because when it was time for my first visit when he turned six months old, I was unable to go due to having some eye surgeries. That problem I had had during my pregnancy was not just a simple thing that went away with the birth of my son. I ended up having complications that led to me now being blind in one eye and legally blind in the other. Diabetics often have problems with their eyes, and the stress of this unplanned pregnancy had done a lot of damage to my already weak system.
But, praise God, I can still see enough to see my son - and alot more - and so I cherish my twice yearly visits with him and his parents. We have a good relationship. They are good to send me pictures and email updates. They have already been talking to him about being adopted and how special he is. At my last visit in 12/2007, my son asked me - in all this 3 year old wisdom - "Was I in your belly?" He has become fascinated with pregnant women, and so he needed to know where he had come from! That was all he wanted to know, and when I told him "yes, you were in my belly", he went back to playing in the sand of his sand box.
There is much more I could tell, but will stop now. If anyone has any questions, please feel free to email me. I love to tell my story - our story - and share God's love and grace and mercy with anyone and everyone!
Email: hewilkinson65@yahoo.com
Send in your adoption story to be featured in our up coming months blog. Our story's are very empowering, and KNOWLEDGE is power. Also very healing. Send to Email: Birthmothers@aol.com
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