Reunion - Okay we've found each other, NOW WHAT?

     Reunion is very complex. If you have been reunited with your birth child, You very well know what I am talking about. Even when both parties want to be found.  The searcher is on a hunt.  Not knowing if the Birth Mother, Or Birth Parents or Adoptee wants to be found.  Or if the adoptee even knows that they were adopted. Or visa a versa, that they very much have always needed and wanted to be found! I heard it from my own birth daughter.  That she needed to feel complete.  She felt complete once she got to reunite with me. I was the missing link. 

    Adoption was societies way of fixing Crisis Pregnancies, unwed mothers shame.  What a high price to have to pay for sin.  Adoption in my opinion should be a last resort.  Here is how I prioritize a Crisis Pregnancy.  The Child's welfare comes  first!  Mother and Child should only be separated,  If she does not have the ability to meet the babies needs.  Emotionally, Physically, and Spiritually.  Now if this Mother is not financially stable. With family support, and community support she can get on her feet. I myself believe in a two parent family. Married. But we all know that that is not what happens often in Crisis Pregnancies.  

Reunion - You have the first phone call, That's enough to throw you over the edge! I was on a roller coaster high for days on end! Then comes that first FACE TO FACE.  Over whelming is it for a Birthmother in closed adoption.  For the last time she saw her baby, If she got to see it at all, it was just that a tiny little precious baby.  Then standing before you is a grown Adult.  It's very traumatic, yet exhilarating at the same time! You have the honey moon period.  Trying to grasp and grab and catch up on the years missed in between.  Then comes the  time for you  both to settle into the relationship.  Get back to real LIFE and living with your birth child in it, and them living with their new extended family.

Some reunions will flourish.  Some will deteriorate as fast as they developed.  Some will be separated by so many miles that it is hard to have a solid close relationship.   As my bdaughter lives 1900 miles from me.   But we do the best we can, through emails, and cards, and phone calls.  

I often get asked when I work with a family in reunion and in the early stages of the reunion.  On - Either the Adoptee or Birth Mother will be having alot of anxiety and what if's.  In extreme anxiety states, trying to figure the other out.  What will their reunion be like.  I always tell them I don't have a crystal ball.  I don't have a magic wand.  I can only tell you to be honest and open with each other.  For I believe that the TRUTH in all things will secure the relationship for long term.

My advice is to pre-pare prior to searching.  Then also the big KEY to the relationship is ACCEPTANCE and Boundaries.  Always when talking with each other if any discord arises.  Start your sentences with I feel.  Not you made me feel blah, blah, blah.  I feel this when ____ happens. I feel ____.  Then allow the other to respond.  Allow each other freedom to be who, and whom they are.  With our family of orgin, or raised children we have to LET them grow, expand, test the waters.  Each individual born to us.  Just came through us.  They will have genetic traits sure.  But we all are so unique.  Personality wise and much more.  I found it unique that my bdaughter laughs like me when she is really tickled and laughs like her bio father when she is just a little tickled.  Like I said the key in a reunion is Acceptance and respect.   Good luck.  I wish you well, All in the triad must work together to make this work.